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So its Saturday.
I cant believe how fast May is going by. I keep thinking/writing "April-whatever" as the date. But April is long gone. Jeeze, where did it go? Seriously? Sometimes I feel like everything is just speeding by me and I am standing still. I'm getting nowhere... or so it feels like that.
Well, i suppose am progressing. Slowly... very slowly, but surely.
My counselor now knows the seriousness of my irregular eating and purging. She has asked me to see my regular doctor, and ask him to see a nutritionist. The funny thing is, I did.
My mom was in the room (since my doctor happens to be her primary doctor too, oh and she insists on going with me to any doctor's appointment) so I asked him to refer me to a nutritionist because of my IBS. He gave in the information to my mom. Luckily I was able to snag it from her, otherwise she would have called for me like she loves to do. I called the nutritionist and she told me she was going to send me some informational pamphlets in the mail and to call her if i had any other concerns. THATS IT?!?
I told my counselor that and she said to go back and ask my doctor to see another nutritionist.
It perplexes me that millions of girls that are younger, older or close to my age, have problems with eating disorders and some of them do not want help. I DO. I am trying to take care of myself. I need help. I know I do, and I am asking for it.
On the subject of eating, I am continuing to eat when I want. At the end of yesterday and today I have entered my calories into my food diary, not so much for calories sake, but I want to know how much protein, fiber and fat I am getting. When I look at my days total and see that its somewhere near 1400, 1500 or 1600 calories, it starts to scare me. Something in my brain sets off a switch that says "You should feel guilty, cry, or make myself throw up!" This is where I have realized I do need help. I start to get very depressed. I am trying to tell myself "its okay. I am building a strong, healthy body. I do not want to be a frail paper cut out of what a girl is 'supposed' to be."
And when I remind myself that I dont feel dead anymore, it gets a little easier. I am actually starting to feel good. Its strange and I almost feel like its just not right, but I know thats because its an unfamiliar feeling. Is being grumpy, miserable, exhausted and sick the only way to lose/maintain my weight? I pray to God its not.
I am still scared I will gain weight, or I will never lose whats left on my stomach. But right now, I am trying not to focus on these things. I just want to be healthy.
But its hard to be healthy when you are not happy. Ugh.
Today my mom and I got into a fight. She came into my room, she didnt apologize for anything by saying, "I'm sorry" but she told me things that said otherwise. She said that she was afraid that I go to my counselor and talk about her. My mom said, "I try not to be mean to you". She told me that she was scared I was going to get tired of putting up with my family and leave. I asked her if she wanted me to leave, since she has told me to before. She said, "No. I never want you to leave. I want you to stay here til I am 90."
With any other mother, this would be understandable. But this hurt me. It hurt me very, very much.
I now know that my mom knows how much her and my dad crippled my chances of getting into a good college or moving out on my own. They made me quit my jobs and drop out of school to take care of my mom and to do everything that she as the mother should have done. For two damn years, I have done everything for her, and sacrificed my personal life. I should be an RN right now. I could have been. I was an nursing assistant (part 1 of 3) by 18. I was only 6 months away from LVN when I graduated high school. But it was just too 'inconvenient' for me to go to college in the fall of 2007. After all, who would be home to get my mom a piece of carrot cake or wipe her ass?
I do not plan on leaving as abruptly or soon as I'm sure my parents expect me to. I love my brothers, and I love my dad. I love my mother too. I just have no respect for her, honestly.
I want to have a good relationship with her. I really, really do. We can get along as long as I am wrapped up in how great she is and I do EVERYTHING she says when she says it. But that is too much of an 'act' to keep up for me anymore, honestly. Spending my life appeasing her makes me miserable. So i am trying to make myself happy while still keeping the peace. I need to figure out some good ways of doing this.
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1253 kcal
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Grasa: 19,02g | Prot: 114,56g | Carbh: 163,02g.
Desayuno: milk, kashi go lean. Almuerzo: grapefruit, pineapple, jennie-o sliced turkey, Whole Grain Bread. Cena: dried cranberries, steamfresh green beans, spinach, salmon . Pasa Bocas / Otros: eating right ranch, baby carrots, sugar snap peas, celery, max protein, Wasa Cracker, cottage cheese. más...
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