Diario de randomumbrellas, 17 oct. 23

I recently took up getting healthier, working out an hour every day and putting a healthy restriction on my calories.
I've finally gotten the diagnosis of several eating disorders a few years ago and have been working on them since. I already somewhat knew I had at least one. My relationship with food was never good. I'm only 23 but have been in any spot in the range from severely underweight to severely overweight. I grew up overweight, so when I became underweight, even severely, not only people but health care professionals would congratulate me and tell me I did a good job. Which only fuelled my endless fasting as you can imagine.

The last two years I was only struggling with binge eating and sometimes purging, which thanks to therapy has gotten a lot better. I'm rarely impulsive when it comes to food anymore and it's gotten to the point where my boyfriend can keep sweets in the house and I won't touch them unless I'm in a really bad mental state, which isn't too often.

It's been an eventful year, for sure. In December it will be one year of living in the Netherlands. I'm still struggling a lot, especially with my social anxiety and the fact that I work from home sure doesn't help. I've been learning Dutch a lot and it's fairly easy since it's a bit like German. A big part of why I am so anxious around people is my weight, or at least that's what I believe. I've always been judged based off of the way I look and I'm not deaf to the comments, even in a different language.
For a while it's gotten so bad I barely was able to leave my apartment, I'm still struggling with going outside without shaking, at least when I'm alone.
I know a lot of people don't pay much attention to me but obviously it feels different to me and while those rude comments are rare, they stick around in my head, destroying the little self worth I manage to build up over time.

I wish I could say all of that is over now but I know that losing weight in a healthy, sustainable manner, and gaining confidence are a process. One I'm working on, with a mental health professional and my supportive boyfriend.

It's only been a few days that I've been able to get myself back into working out. I feel like I'm doing something wrong half the time because I'm not sore but my steps are a lot and the calorie count says I'm burning a bit. I don't eat huge portions of food anymore but I try not to cut everything out immediately. Well, I did cut out sweets because I tended to eat them all in one go, obviously not something I should've done. I haven't really missed them much and I made sure to get some recipes for healthier alternatives in case I get sweet cravings. I don't like to use the word addiction but I'm sure I had a sugar addiction.

I've added some fasting back, since that's how I do best but I'm not overdoing it. I've started drinking a lot more too. I used to now feel thirsty at all and now I'm drinking at least 1.5l a day. Yeah, still not good but way better than 0.2 - 0.5. I was always dehydrated and didn't really do much about it. Especially at my weight, in the summer I always felt quite woozy (wonder why...).

Anyway, I don't want to push myself too hard and be hard on myself when I don't lose a ton of weight. I do always overshoot a little when I track calories, just in case my measurements aren't right. Especially with things that are high calorie.

My goal isn't to hit a certain weight at a certain time. I did set my ultimate goal weight but for now it's about getting comfortable with changes and myself. Though I do want to get to under 100kg until the end of next year at least, which is very little loss per month (around 2.5kg per month if calculated with only 12 months).

My real current goal is to confidently wear a dress next year. I've always had quite broad hips and putting on weight has only made it worse, so it's a goal in both confidence and weight.

Ah yeah, anyway, I have a problem with keeping myself short, haha. I'm sorry for anyone who stumbled upon this mountain of text.

I'm not sure to which extend you can interact on this plattform but I'd love some "normal" recipes with low calorie counts. Whenever I look things up, they always end up needing things that are waaay too expensive to maintain a regular diet with or aren't really that healthy at all. ^^'

Anyways, I'm losing track again. Thanks for reading, or not, can't blame you. I just wanted to get it all out somewhere. Not even sure if anyone is going to see this.

Have a wonderful day. ❤️

132,7 kg Disminuído hasta ahora: 2,3 kg.    Aún para ir: 33,7 kg.    Dieta seguida: Bien.

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