|
I'm having a hard time with water these days. just not drinking enough. Drinking water is such an easy thing to do but for some reason, it seems to be the downfall of so many. Right now, I am on the wrong track. It is not that I am drinking things that are not good for me, I am just not drinking anything. Same thing with food some days - it is easier to not eat than to eat what i can have or what is good for me. it is a new day and I am going to get the water I need today and I am going to eat the right amount of veggie carbs today. This I promise to myself.
On the good side - I told you that my friends Mom passed away (no that is not the good part) anyway, yesterday I took a cheesecake to his house and was able to visit with one of his sisters and her husband as well as my friend and his dad. They all broke out the cheesecake and served it. I did not even sample a piece (and I LOVE Cheesecake) and drank coffee BLACK. I generally have to have cream in my coffee but was not about to drink the wrong type as I did on Saturday and just drank it black. I was vey proud of myself especially given that I had not eaten anything yesterday and was hungry. While I know and accept that not having eaten was the wrong thing to do to myself - I was still proud that i did not sucumb to the cheesecake. I did however do bad the rest of the evening... Not overly bad but I did have some sugar free pudding and strawberries. I found this dark chocolate sugar free pudding at Wal mart that appears to have 3 carbs if you remove the sugar alchohols. I know it is not something I want to eat often but it was good at the time. In my opinion, a better choice would have been to have the strawberries alone but it was still better then eating the cheesecake or some sugary treat.
Also, I have to report that i am changing my goal. I am officially 1 pound from goal on this site and need to make the change. Not sure what to make it though and I am thinking I will make it 150. At one time I had asked folks what they weighed at different sizes and found that it fluctuates so much that nobody can really seem to know what their goal weight should be. The simple truth is that my goal is really to see myself as a normal sized person not a fat one. Sad thing is, normal sized people are basically where I started given that we have such a fat epidemic in this country. And the way we see ourselves is such a function of our own emotional health. I was a size 8 at one time in my life and I still thought I was pretty fat. As I gained, I never saw a difference in myself. Now as I have lost, I still can't see the difference. Not sure why that is but it is a fact... Anyway, I am thinking that goal may be something I will not achieve so I need another one. I have never gotten rid of my old clothes so now I am pulling them out and trying them on. yeterday I wore my size 10 gap jeans. no stretch in those babies :) They were tight and stayed tight but not uncomfortably tight. i was pretty happy about that. I also purchased a new size 10 pair of black work pants so... I am getting pretty close to a normal size I think. I know I am rambling but the point i am trying to make is that I think the new goal of 150 may be a bit low for me. I may end up raising it in a few months if I get into size 8s and wear them comfortably. But i am thinking it takes about 20 pounds for me to loose a size of clothing so 150 might be perfect. Then again, I do want to purchase a size 29 miss me jeans and I doubt 150 will get me into them.... We will see. size 31 fits pretty nice now so maybe :)
Finally, the dear darling and I had a couple of long talks this weekend. On Friday, I told him he needed to decide if he wants to be married to me because I was not going to take this any more. I deserve better I told him. He talked about how he could not trust me and how I messed up his friendships and all kinds of mean and cruel things. He did not want me to come home Friday and I did not. I stayed in NC and went to a bull bucking event. On Saturday, I went to watch the babies and he told me he was ready for me to come home. I went on home and Sat night he was great. Seemed happy and loving and things were really good. nothing was said about the conversation. he had told me that he wanted to look me in the face when he told me if he was leaving so Sunday AM I asked him if he was ready to talk. He was not but we did. I listend to him for about an hour and did not say anything while he talked. he talked and talked and most of it had nothing to do with us. Finally it was my turn and I let him have it pretty good. I told him that you get what you put into something and that he did not want to put efforts into the marriage then I thought we needed to end it. I told him that my feet were firmly on the marriage and commitment side of the fence but that he seemed to be straddlening it. I said that was not good enough for me and that while I have a very soft heart - too soft in fact - that I am not weak. I have the strength to do what is good for me and that I could do it without him. Don't want to but I can. I brought up some really old things and told him I was not going to keep that hurt inside me anymore. I asked him to tell me the truth about some old things (things I know the truth about but he had lied to me) and he would not. I think he can't. But he asked if we could start over now and go forward. I said yes and that is what I am trying to do. he finally said that he does love me and that he thinks he does want to be in this marriage. The strange thing is, he made a couple of comments to me later about what made people do things that they know will hurt other people. I think he is trying to figure out why he has done some things in the past. I could be wrong but that is how I took it. It is still posible he will bolt when he gets his inheritance but I am going to be OK with my role in this marriage. Never again will I regret my own actions. My commitment the day I married him was to myself and to God. I am not going to go through years of desapair over my own actions again. I have finally started to forgive myself for my actions before and am not going to go back to that bad place... I guess I feel that if he can go forward in truth and love then I certainly can. That does not mean that there will be only happy days ahead and I am sure that you guys will have to read this crap again in the future. But I hope the sun is going to shine on us for a while :)
|
1295 kcal
|
Grasa: 97,16g | Prot: 71,06g | Carbh: 34,12g.
Desayuno: Sharp Cheddar Cheese Stick, Egg, Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee. Cena: Pepperoni Stix, Soybeans (Mature Seeds, Steamed, Cooked), Lettuce, Ranch Dressing, Tomatoes, Beef, Real Mayonnaise, Sharp Cheddar Cheese Stick. Pasa Bocas / Otros: Fat Free No Sugar Added Vanilla Ice Cream. más...
|
|