Diario de lotus2009

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13 diciembre 2010

He called me again.We spoke around 2 hours.He was saying,he will start his new life in 6monthes.(I think he took 6monthes time from his ex to decide.)Till then I still have a chance.If anything moves in his heart towards me in this 6monthes,he will be back to me.If not,I should let him go and live his life with her.I don't know whether I should take it as bad or good.Atleast I have sometime to prove myself...And since he is calling several times everyday,I think he still cares for me.He was saying,if I want to be his woman,I have to try silently.Cause when I whine about things,he gets annoyed and it provokes hatred.His ex is visiting his town with some of their common friends and he sends her here and there so that he can speak to me...I think he still loves me and this lady is persuing him..Please pray that things get better for us very soon.I somehow feel we will be together very soon.And I keep thanking God for everything...I hope we will be back together very soon and then get married before summer and in summer go to Europe...I have lots of dreams.Please pray for me please please.I really love him and want to be with him so much.Please pray that we get back together long before june...I'm scared of June.But I truly believe he will be mine before that dreaded date.And about weight loss.This morning scales showed 150 pounds.No wonder I'm losing,cause all I eat in 24hrs for last few days is 2eggs at 6.30 am...I don't even get hungry.If you read my journal,please pray for me so that I can win back my man's heart,I really want him for life.

13 diciembre 2010

I was meditating today...I was sitting by the side of a stream in woods.It had crystal clear water and small pebbles.Then I entered a garden...I saw Jesus...He was beautiful and wearing white clothes.I sat by his side and he put his hand round my shoulder.Then we walked in the garden.He took me to a pond with flowers and I was seeing my future in the water reflection...He was sitting a bit away from me when I was seeing my future...Then I came to him and sat by his side.I took his hand and saw mark of crucification and it hurt my heart...He was so calm and assuring.He told me my man will come back to me.I saw my future with my man and that I'm having a baby boy with him...I was so happy then.But I came back to real world...And its so dark and gloomy again.My man called me and was saying if I wont stop my emotional whining he will cut me out all together,he is available to me as a friend and business partner only...He said,its his last warning and if I don't listen he will vanish and I will end up calling dead numbers... I feel so upset.I want him so much and want the life I saw in flower pond...Please pray that he comes back...Please pray for me.

12 diciembre 2010

He called me today twice then we chat for some little time.Then I started my 'I'm hurting/Come back to me'etc.He said,'Don't claim me,I'm engaged.I'm not a free man anymore.' Then we spoke some more and I said,'But there is a chance that you might have intimate feelings for me again?'He said,'We'll see.'I said,'Ok'...He said,'But that will depend on if you shut up or continue whining and riling.'Then we were speaking about the business we plan to set up.If he really wanted to go to that woman,I don't think he would want to do things here with me.I feel a bit positive.Somehow I feel he is trying to punish me for my clingy and needy behaviour and will back to me very soon.Sooner than I can Imagine.I should be calm and stay patient.If he didn't want me or didn't miss me,he wont call me.He surely does.I feel like God is working for my prayer and though we r facing a rough patch,things will be good in between us again.And he will come back by his free will.God loves me,I'm at His care.He will bring back the love of my life...Please pray for me.

12 diciembre 2010

12 diciembre 2010

He is saying he can love me in a 'different capacity' and I can be his best friend if I want.He will be always there for me,just not as 'my man'.He is ready to give me everything except 'his emotions and intimacy' ...He says I'm a very good woman just not good for his life and he doesn't want me as 'his woman'.I feel so bad...He didn't pick my call yesterday because he was with his ex (to whom he moved from me).He wrote me an angry mail saying he doesn't want even to talk to me cause I wrecked his evening with my calls...I'm so upset.Feels like the lights of my life are going off one by one and I'm slowly sinking into darkness...Yesterday we were operating on a young man with extensive cancer colon,he wont live long.He has a loving wife and a baby daughter.I don't understand why him?Why not me?I don't have anyone or anything to look forward in life anyway and he has so many things to live for...I'm writing all depressing things but deep inside me I somehow feel my man will come back to me today or tomorrow...I keep praying to Almighty,cause this is the only thing I can do...Please pray for me.Please.


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